SofaKingCool

Time for part 2 of my top 10 driving habit hates, I could probably ramble on all day about this but I have reluctantly chosen the top 10 for your reading pleasure.

6. Slip Road Sausages. Now without the risk of sounding ageist or sexist I must say its normally old people or women I see do this.  The current UK driving test makes no effort to teach drivers how to enter or exit a motorway and in some cases people can never actually drive on a motorway, this is bad news for motorway users. To enter a motorway from a slip road you accelerate until you are travelling at the same speed as cars in lane 1 or 2, you then adjust your speed so you slot nicely into a gap.  Good drivers will see a car on the approach and generally move over allowing you to get into lane without any drama.  What you shouldn’t to is crawl down the slip road and treat it like a junction by stopping or slowing down to a snails pace then pulling out causing everything to slow down or change lane in a panic.  Alternatively do NOT drive down a slip road and expect the car you just pulled along side to slow down or change lane, you don’t know if the car cannot move over because of approaching traffic in lane 2 or unable to slow because of a tailgater in lane 1. Just time your entrance so you don’t cause the motorway to stop flowing.

7. I know the speed limit man. Normally this man drives 700 yards a week just to keep his car moving and to justify his road tax. His hobby is driving at the speed limit or slightly below no matter what is happening on the roads around him. They will normally enter the fast lane of a motorway for no reason whatsoever and hold steady at 69mph.  Nothing at all will move this car from his new role as a mobile traffic calming measure, cars start taking to the hard shoulder just to get by this scourge of the motorway network, under no circumstance will this man speed up to overtake the car that is still 5 miles away!

8. Over dramatic lane changers. Once again this is a mans habit and is normally preformed by Audi or BMW fleet car owners (I guess they are fleet car owners as nobody would treat their own car like this).  This behaviour normally takes place when you see the traffic calming signs indicating a reduced speed limit, more often than not its those long sections of roads that have an average speed setup.  I value my license so when I hit these areas I stick cruise control on at 3 miles per hour more than the limit (43-53-63mph).  Slow enough to keep the points at bay but fast enough to make progress.  I will sit in the inside lane and plod along until I see the last yellow camera post, then I carry on at normal speeds.  The aforementioned Audi/BMW driver will drive within an inch of your bumper then change lane like he is avoiding a collision with an orphaned child holding a puppy. He will overtake you like your standing still then slam on when the next camera comes into view.  He will then drive at 12mph until you attempt to overtake him when he turns into NOBODY is overtaking me man.

9. Badly timed lane change person. Not limited to any one sex or vehicle, picture the scene, a wide open 3 lane motorway you are one of 6 cars in a 10 mile radius.  You are doing 80-90 in lane 3, a lorry is doing 62mph in lane 1 being followed by John in his ford Fiesta and a white van is overtaking in lane 2 at 68mph. You are clearly moving faster than the other traffic (the miles of open road behind you is a huge give away).  Then just as you are committed to passing the white van, John decides that he wants to get into lane 3 and overtake everyone but refuses to get up to a reasonable speed.  You are then forced to brake hard and later peel your Ginsters Sausage roll off your dashboard and pray that your brake discs don’t weld themselves to your brake pads!  They will then stay there until there is room to build a small town between him and the car in lane 2.

10. Congestion lane changers. These are much different to the dramatic lane changers previously mentioned.  They attempt their lane changes in order to progress a tiny bit further up the order than everyone else.You know the sort, they start off behind you, then seconds later they are in the middle lane undertaking you, then they’re in front of you and as if by magic 5 minutes later they are behind you again looking more perplexed than usual. This normally happens 2 or 3 times and each time the driver starts turning into a dramatic lane changer until by chance they stumble upon the correct lane and exit the motorway no better off than when they started.

I know most people will attempt to defend most of the above actions but there is something that all drivers should know. SPEED DOESN’T KILL, it’s the sudden deceleration at the end of speed that kills.  Statistically most motorway accidents are caused by something other than speed, a tired driver, a bad manoeuvre, lack of attention or just bad driving.  Speed is just a factor that causes more damage, most motorway regulars are very considerate and safe drivers.  You see them change lane with plenty of notice, move out of the way of approaching traffic and will let you pull out in front of them when both travelling at speed to overtake.  Yes we drive 20-30mph faster than everybody else but  we also drive hundreds of miles on a daily basis on the motorway.  The people who drive in well maintained, safe, new and generally big powerful cars are driving well within their limits.  The accidents are caused by stupid people who either drive outside of their limits or not according to the prevailing road conditions.

Most tailbacks aren’t caused by accidents or breakdowns, they are caused by the flow of traffic being disturbed.  If you look at the motorway as a living thing, or even a river, it needs to flow.  If something stops the flow, the depth increases up river, the same applies to motorways, if someone stops the flow of traffic then traffic thickens up the road.  It doesn’t just take something stationary to stop the flow.  If you were to travel at 70 miles per hour in average traffic then slam on your brakes and cause the car behind to brake then in about 5-10 minutes there will almost always be a queue.  It’s like a ripple affect that works its way back causing cars to slow down until there is not enough room for cars to get back up to speed without slowing a car behind them down.  This then causes a phantom tailback.  This is why my top 10 of motorway peeves almost always involve someone breaking the flow of traffic.

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Sounds like a strange title but I have decided to list the most annoying motorway driving crimes/errors, hopefully the muppets involved will read this and change their driving!  I should add that I have over 19 years driving experience, passed my test twice, done the advanced motoring test (Institute of advanced Motorists), done 23 hours of skid pan and advanced skid control, I hold a full motorbike license and an LGV class 2.  I drive around 100,000 miles a year on the motorways so have a good idea how they work.

I don’t have a set driving pattern on the motorway, I drive dependant on time of day, weather and weight of traffic around me.  That sounds fairly obvious but it would appear that not everyone does the same.  Let me give you an example, last weekend I took my wife and two kids to Swansea for a weekend with my family.  Its around 160 miles and 99% motorway driving (M54, M6, M5, M50, M4), it was a little before 10am on a Friday morning and the weather was very nice, no clouds just lots of sun.  So when I got on the motorway I stuck the car at 70mph and sat in the inside lane and was in no rush, before overtaking I ensured no fast moving cars were behind me and gave plenty of warning, if a car did approach from behind at speed I would always get out of its way as quickly and safely as I could then settle back down in lane 1.  On this journey I encountered the worst driving habits and have compiled my top 10 below, all of these were seen on my gentle amble to Swansea.

1. Middle Lane Hogging Yes I know this is a well publicised one but I would like to tell these ignorant fucktards what they are doing wrong!  The rule of thumb on the motorway is if there is room to undertake then there is room to move into that lane.  I hate being undertaken, being held up by slower cars and holding people up but there are some people that have a special place reserved in hell for them.  Those people are the hyper mileage drivers.  They don’t use cruise control, they drive at every speed between 60 and 70 in their quest to save 12p worth of fuel. Its not a bad thing unless they are like the prats who populate the motorways in V reg rovers and ford focuses.  They sit in the middle lane for no obvious reason, lane 1 is clear and forces anyone who needs to overtake to go across to the fast moving lane 3 in order to get past a car in lane 1.  This leads me on to my next hate

2. Mr & Mrs twitchy foot. These are the people who have no idea how to drive at a consistent speed.  You start to approach them at 70 (they are doing around 65) you indicate and move into the next lane to overtake, sit there for a bit and realise they are pulling away from you.  You then pull back in behind them and they slow back down to 65mph and the whole thing starts again.  These people are just like…

3. NOBODY is overtaking me man. I say man because this is a male ego thing. You approach a car doing 65mph so indicate to overtake and as you start passing them they glance in their wing mirror and speed up a little.  You have already committed to overtake so rather than slow down in lane 2 or 3 you accelerate up to 75/80mph and you’re still not passing them.  You then stick the hammer down and take it up to 90mph and finally overtake (and getting a stinking look when you do get past). You then pull back into lane 1 in front of them and slow back down to 70-75mph and in a few miles they are just a spec in your mirror (that is until someone else tries to overtake them).  I find this happens a lot when the man is in a small engine car (1.1-1.6), they see a 300bhp V6 Jag attempt to overtake and thats it they get all defensive.

4. Tailgate and indicate man. Again a male thing, you are overtaking in lane 2 or 3 and a car comes up behind you at the speed of sound from a distance.  They can see you are overtaking, even accelerating to expedite and BANG lights go on, right indicator goes on and they start trying to mount the rear of your car.  Normally these people almost kill themselves because as you clear the car you attempt to go back into lane 2 and find that the numpty behind has already started trying that to undertake you!  I’m guessing these people are related to the….

5. Junction Hoppers. Now these knobs are of mixed gender and generally only ever use the motorway as a bypass from house to shop.  They have no clue on using slip roads, motorways or their cars.  They scream down the slip road, slam on the brakes at the end and race out into lane 3 without so much as a glance in a mirror.  They then tailgate, undertake and generally bully everyone around them.  You do your best to get out of their way and let them pass you, when they do get past you they drive across all 3 lanes to get off the motorway at the next junction at the very last minute.

A helping hand, Everything else bad drivers, bad driving, crap drivers, drivers, driving, ford focus, idiots, m4, m5, m50, m54, m6, motorway, numpty, rover, slip, sliproad, swansea, tailgate, tailgaters, tailgating, telford

So far my tales of woe and bad luck with cars is pretty dire.  I was hoping my next substantial purchase was a little better, I took the plunge and bought a big safe performance car.  It was a 2002 Volvo S60 R, now this wasn’t your average big caravan puller, this was the special R edition which came with 300BHP of stupid, forced through a rather crazy tip-tronic gearbox and to the road through a rather sophisticated 4 wheel drive system.  I knew it wasn’t perfect when I bought it, there was a slight ding in the front and a headlight glass was cracked.  There was also a the issue of rather high mileage (148000), yes I should have known but Volvo’s are reputed to go forever?

So to get this car I had to travel to Bolton from Telford, I spoke at length to the seller on the phone who assured me that the car was mechanically sound.  He listed its slight faults and was very believable and honest on the phone.  As we were planning on buying a car we left ours at home and decided to take the kids for a train ride up to Bolton and make a day of it.  He offered to pick us up from the station and even asked if we wanted to go for a drink/meal when we arrived, so far everything was going well. He took us back to his incredible house, it was like a mansion, huge driveway, personal roundabout and acres of immaculate garden and an all glass extension the same size as sports hall.

He was in his thirties and apparently his dad was in demolition and appeared very successful. I went round the outside of the car, checking the body work and as he explained on the phone I found its slight dent at the fron and one or two imperfections.  I got inside the car and it was pretty clean, albeit a little oily smelling, it reminded me of a garage smell?  I pressed on and found everything worked inside and popped the bonnet.  There was a little flap open under the steering wheel which I thought was the bonnet release and embarrassingly I was pushing and pulling on it not realising it was the ECU connection point which had been left open!Underneath was the huge 2.5 straight 5 engine with a HUGE turbo charger bolted on top of it.  It looked honest and and fairly well looked after, there was no obvious faults and all was looking ok.  I sent Jo to the back of the car and fired it up from cold.  No blue smoke, no delay in starting and god it sounded angry (in a good way).

I then took it out for a test drive, I was driving in a car that weighed the same as a church and Jesus it shifted, 0 to 60 was delivered in a little over 6.5 seconds and it kept on accelerating.  I was directed to a country road which stretched on for about 5 miles and asked if I could give it the beans, the answer was yes.  60-100-120-140mph came and went in no time at all, I guessed I would run out of talent before the car ran out of pace, it was relentless.  It drove like a small car, cornered like a train and accelerated like my old Lotus Carlton.  We arrived back at his house and I went back under the bonnet, I noticed that the strut brace holding the top engine mounting was cracked but nothing else seemed wrong.

I offered him half the money he was selling it for and kept my fingers crossed, he laughed and said he couldn’t go that low.  In the end I managed to get about a quarter of the price off telling him that I would take it on a sold as seen basis (BIG MISTAKE).  We went into his house and that was when he told me he was a trader and I then felt a little uneasy but ignored my head and went with my heart and exchanged money for keys.

So I loaded the family into the car and set off in air conditioned leather luxury, we hit the motorway and I set cruise control and sat back.  After a while I took control of the car and needed to overtake one of those people who hate being overtaken.  You know the sorts, they sit in the middle lane at 73mph and when you goto the outside to overtake they speed up, you eventually overtake at 90mph and when you tuck back in and slow down to 75-80mph they overtake you again and slow down to 65-72mph.  Anyway, I needed to get past this car so floored it.  The kickdown took us down to 3rd (at 75mph), 300 angry horses started shouting and off we went, I pulled back into the left hand lane at an indicated 110mph and felt a slight vibration.  I slowed down and the vibration got worse, it felt like something was seriously wrong.  I pulled into the next service station and checked around the car, all seemed ok and got back on the road.  I figured the problem was related to the engine mount rubber bush being cracked and when we checked on the internet it seemed that it was a common problem under deceleration with rubber bushes.  The fix was to buy a poly bush kit for around £50, as I had already seen that problem and knew it was going to cost we continued home.

When we got to Stafford we decided to hit Tescos and get some Bread/Milk etc, when I got back to the car and started it, the engine management light went to amber and stayed on.  I pulled over and did a few stop start cycles but it stayed lit, I couldn’t read the fault as the display was faulty (a fault I had been told about).  I then got back on the road and started to drive home with the car in limp mode (can’t go over 40mph or 3000rpm).  After about 2 miles the light went out and the car woke up, I figured that it was probably transmission fluid temperature, it was 29C outside and we had just travelled a while, quick fix top the trans fluid up).

After a few weeks of the car driving like a dream I noticed the gearbox was getting a little jerky, so decided to top the fluid up in the transmission.  After reading that it you should not top it up, rather just service the transmission I checked the internet for possible faults. Something caught my eye about someone getting ripped off with the same car and he said that the dash warning display had the bulb removed so he couldn’t read the warnings.  He managed to read it by shining a torch to the side and the display was readable, I tried this and saw the errors for the first time.

“Transmission Fault & Engine Management Fault” was the cars’ diagnosis so I decided to call a mechanic who came out to read the ECU.  He told me that the fault with the engine was a fuel issue and the transmission was overheating.  I didn’t realise there was a fuel fault so I read some more internet sites and found that these cars suffer from corrosion around the fuel filler fuel lines.  Right enough there was serious corrosion and signs of a bodge repair.  My mechanic had reset the ECU and it was a few hours later the car put its warning lights back on.  I then did some more checking on the transmission fault and discovered that there was a transmission fluid leak.  This could have caused the gearbox to overheat so I put some cardboard on my drive to catch the oil and have a look at it.  The fluid looked brand new, not a spec of metal or burnt gearbox, not bad for a 10 year old gearbox?  After some more tests I discovered that the transmission solenoid was not functioning, so I had a look and found that the solenoid was buried inside the transmission and it wasn’t a driveway job and I called a gearbox specialist.

After a long conversation I found out quite a bit, firstly this is a very common problem with Volvo’s fitted with the geartronic box and to fix it I was looking at £1500 +VAT.  I was also told that if a dodgy dealer is selling one of these they normally replace the transmission fluid and reset the ECU, apparently this can give you a couple of days driving without showing any signs of damage. So I sat back and thought about the purchase and realised I had been stitched up like a kipper!

1. ECU connection point open
2. Brand new fluid in gearbox
3. Dropping the price by so much
4. Eagerness to sell as seen
5. Reluctant to give a VAT invoice
6. Brand New MOT with no advisories even though there were problems that would fail

Now who is this geezer? At the moment I am unable to give full details but in a couple of days the sofakingcool full disclosure act will reveal all!

A helping hand, Online shopping 2001, 2002, bolton, buying, ecu, engine management, gearbox, geartronic, ripped off, s60, selling, T5, turbo, volvo, volvo s60 gearbox fault, warning light